Episode Transcript
[00:00:20] Speaker A: Welcome to Infinite Human, where we explore our limitless potential through conversations with guests who have achieved greatness, overcome challenges, and work to find their purpose. We aim to share and inspire you to do the same.
I'm your host, Shona Kerr. I'm a college coach, professor, and businesswoman who is eager to learn from and sharing the wisdom of others with you and onto the show.
Today I have the absolute pleasure of welcoming Paul Asiante.
Paul is the winningest coach in college sports history. As the Trinity College men's squash coach, his team went undefeated for an amazing 17 years.
He has been a coach colleague of mine for the last two decades and is also a close friend for which I am incredibly grateful. As you can imagine, I have been excited to have this time to talk together as an exquisitely eloquent storyteller. We will learn from Paul the importance of purpose, how to navigate perspective, keys to team success, and the importance of resilience and learning.
Paul also talks about some of his mentors, such as Billie Jean King, Monica Seles, and Mike Krzyzewski. Trust me, this one's a treat.
Welcome, Paul. It's a delight to have you here today. I've been eagerly awaiting this moment and thank you kindly for doing this.
[00:01:58] Speaker B: It's a thrill for me. I'm such a big fan of yours, Shona, so to be able to co join and share thoughts is a fun thing for me.
[00:02:07] Speaker A: Well, I'm super humbled. Now, I know that you've done a lot of podcasts and are such an eloquent speaker, but there may be some out there that have not heard your backstory. I'd love just to fill them in very quickly where you're from and a little bit about your early journey. Best known for your swash prowess coaching at Trinity College. But that's not the only thing you've done and not the only thing you're about. So where did it start?
[00:02:37] Speaker B: Well, I was born in the Bronx, right across the street from the old Yankee Stadium.
And you can imagine in 1952, the Bronx was a pretty crazy place to grow up. You know, as your typical Italian family, we had aunts and uncles and grandparents living with us in this much too small complex. And when I was about 14, we escaped into suburbia.
And then I was sort of the outsider looking in there. And it's interesting, I think one of the driving forces in my life for Bad and Good has always been that I've lived with the imposter syndrome. You know, I just never really fit in. I would take on Activities that maybe I shouldn't have been involved in. And it was always this blind drive to prove to others that I belonged, which set me on many wrong paths along the way. But, you know, I went to college purely because my high school guidance counselor told my parents I wasn't college material. And I thought about that person on graduation day, and it's that kind of weird, you know, I was a gymnast in college, and then my first job was at West Point where I was an assistant gymnastics coach. And then I started playing tennis. But I did it with the same insane drive that I always had. And at that point, the tennis coach who was the real deal, quit. I mean, and this guy had beaten Rod Laver in the Wimbledon juniors. He was something special.
And seven people applied for the job. Well, eight, including me.
All seven turned the job down because they didn't want to run with cadets at 6 in the morning. But I was happy to do it. And they said, great, you're now the head tennis coach for a year. We'll hold our nose and hope that you don't screw it up too badly. And they took me downstairs and they said, and this is a squash court and now you're the head squash coach. And it was like again, the imposter syndrome.
And then I left there to be a pro at a private country club and Rye, New York, in the middle 80s. And I'd never been in a country club before, and I was going to be the best pro they've ever. And so this whole thing has just been chasing this silly belief that I don't belong and I need to prove somebody wrong.
[00:05:15] Speaker A: I'm a believer that everybody's origin story gives them something. And whether it's proving something to others or getting over being held back or whatever it is. So clearly for you, it's what you're calling the imposter syndrome. But I want to ask why? Do you know why?
[00:05:39] Speaker B: I think it's how I internalized the way I was raised.
I think mom and dad were wonderful, and I think they raised me as best they could. But how I internalized that somehow put on my shoulder a chip. You know, the man that I buried was not the man that raised me. He was not around when I was growing up because that was the old fashioned mentality. You go out and kill the dragon and you bring home the food.
And my mom was your classic Italian mother.
I think she was pretty convinced that when Michelangelo carved David, he carved David in my likeness. I could do no wrong.
And so it was like, you know, Me internalizing these messages set me off on that kind of a. On that kind of a journey. And I will say, as I look back on 52 year career, I think I was really very ego attached at the beginning and probably for some time, which wasn't a good thing. You know, I recently got a call from someone that said, you know, I was speaking to Joe, he was your assistant tennis coach at West Point. And he says hello. And I remember feeling icky, like, oh, please tell Joe I'm sorry and let him know I'm a nicer person now. You know, it was all self critical.
This is for me. I've got to prove something. And as you know, Shona, you're a master coach. When you're a coach or a leader, it can't be about you. It's got to be about others. And so we started accumulating national championship banners and national championship rings.
And then I started having some hardships in my own life. And that's when I started to realize that, wow, Paul, it isn't about you at all.
Get the hell in the background, help prepare these people and let them go out there and do their thing. And that's been a great freedom for me.
[00:07:49] Speaker A: Now when did that click in for you in that career cycle there?
[00:07:54] Speaker B: I think there was never an aha moment. It was incremental. I had the honor of writing a book with Jim Zug, Run to the Roar.
That was a very cathartic examination of where I'd been and where I was. And I wrote that book, or we wrote that book primarily as an apology to my three grown children because I wasn't there for them when they were growing up. Sort of, you know, oh, well, that's how my father was. I'm going to go out and kill the dragon. Well, where the hell are you, dad? So that seven year process of writing that book was very reflective. And then I started having some health issues, you know, and so like if you told me tomorrow I could do anything, I'd go for a run. That was always my happy place. You know, I would go off and go to a different place in my head. Well, now I can't run. As a matter of fact, now I really can't walk. And so as things were taken away from me and then I started to look at this, what is this? And you know, what's this all about?
Then clarity began to come into effect. I had a really good friend that was passing away and I said, what is this all about?
And he said, purpose. You need to find Your purpose.
And I now have found my purpose. And then you need to give it away. And now I'm giving it away. You know, you said that I've done so many podcasts. You know, I've done a lot of podcasts because my purpose is messaging. My purpose is to try to help make this journey for others more meaningful and happier. You know, my dad wasn't a very highly educated guy, but towards the end, he was the most gentle soul I knew. I think he would walk across a field and not leave footprints. He was that kind of a guy. And I wanted to be more like that. And so I just want to share messages, and hopefully that will resonate with people.
I view myself not because I'm bright or anything else, but because I've seen so much and made so many mistakes. I want to be the chief prospective officer. I want people to come in with their heads down and for me to ask what's going on. Let's talk about that and podcasts and books and those kinds of things. Speaking opportunities have given me that forum in which to do that, and that's phenomenal.
[00:10:41] Speaker A: And I actually did have a message from a young girl that I'm talking to that may want to play college squash that was raving about you and literally how you have shaped her perspective and how she continues to use that when things are not going her way. And this is a young lady that's maybe. Maybe 17 years old. So I think the chief prospective officer is in full horse out there.
[00:11:05] Speaker B: Yeah. You know, as I get. As I get older, you know, and now I have. I have a disease. And people say, what do you want? How do you want to be remembered? And I don't want a funeral. I don't want anything. All I want is when the word gets out that I've gone to another place, I would just like for people to stop and smile and say, that was pretty. That was a fun, shared time together, and that's really what I want.
[00:11:27] Speaker A: Well, you have a lot of people. I have zero doubt. So you talked about ego a little bit and having time to reflect and the book to reflect.
Now, 17 years unbeaten, Trinity Squash.
That has to come with a little bit of ego. It has to. You know, that drive has to be there. Now. What it has given you is an amazing platform to be somebody. Messaging for others and shaping perspective. So had that not been there, you wouldn't be here today. Perhaps in the same light, how do you quantify that?
[00:12:08] Speaker B: Well, you know, it's interesting. The. Yes. The championships and all of that give me a little bit of cache where people might want to listen to what I've experienced. But really, you know, Shona, it really doesn't matter. It does, because it gets me on your podcast. But in the big picture, it really doesn't matter. When I was a pro in Baltimore, there was an old ground keeper, Jesse. I loved Jesse. And he was. You'd never knew he was there. He was always in the background, but those grass courts were perfectly groomed. And he would come to me and he would share these little stories and I would listen to him for hours. I wish I could talk to him now and give you one example. We had 21 grass courts, and grass courts really need a lot of attention, as you know from your background. And so we had a pro shop or a clubhouse, and then the courts went out.
And the courts closest to the clubhouse obviously received more maintenance than the courts far away.
So he comes up to me one day and he says, hey, coach, you ever hear the phrase grass always looks greener on the other side? I said, yeah. He says, stand here with me. So we're standing on the clubhouse and we're looking at the courts. Now, the court right next to the clubhouse had the most wear and tear. And then as you looked out far away, boy, that was lush and green. And I said, he said, why do you think that is? I said, well, probably because that court doesn't get as much use. He said, I'm going to teach you something about perspective. We walked all the way out to the other side and turned around and looked at the court in front of the clubhouse. It looked luscious and green.
And it's just those little perspectives that make you stop and say, what am I doing, man? What am I, you know, what am I chasing? And then having a chance to speak to companies and to do some life coaching and some executive coaching, you know, these are people I'm talking to who are way more successful than I am and drive nicer cars and live in nicer houses and all of that stuff. And they get stuck in their heads on very simple, basic stuff. And so that gives me this opportunity.
[00:14:37] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, it's a great story, isn't it? And that leads into the imposter syndrome a little bit there you are looking at something else that you feel like you can't reach. And I do hear you on the super successful people or the people that appear to have a lot of success. It's that sort of more trap that people get stuck in. More, more, more. Like how much is enough.
And what am I chasing? And I had this. I heard this some time ago, but if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
[00:15:10] Speaker B: I love that. I love that. And you know, Shono, you're. You're a phenomenal pickleball player. You are out there and you're playing tournament after tournament, but as you go, Mother Nature is going to take away a little bit more of your physicality. And so your goals will have to be adjusted. So ultimately, what it will come down to is the sheer joy of playing.
And, you know, it's funny, I've always been on the fringe of the finance industry at our jobs. We work at these schools with many 1 percenters, and we're around clubs with people who can afford to be members of clubs. And one of the things I learned, and I try to remember is if you go into education and you're unhappy, you might say, you know what? I think I'm going to change career path.
Okay. If you go into finance and you're unhappy, usually the thought is, I need to make more money.
[00:16:13] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:16:14] Speaker B: And they get caught on that treadmill and they get increasingly more unhappy. Instead of being able to. One of the greatest gifts for anyone is to be able to stop for a moment and look in the mirror and say, I have enough.
Wow, that's so cool. So, yeah, I think that, look, you need drive. You need the intrinsic internal motivator that's going to push you to try to achieve things because it is a competitive world, but it's got to be for the big picture. I like to think of life as building railroad tracks. You come up with a destination. Okay, you want to win the national pickleball Championships. Okay, great. Now you get down on your hands and knees and you lay plank after plank after plank. Now you're doing the micro work. Every so often you need to step up and say, okay, am I still on the right path or have I gotten off the path? Or because I've just had rhabdo or I've hurt my knee or whatever it is, maybe I need to modify my goals. That's okay, too. But you need that. You need both of those things very much in gratitude.
[00:17:28] Speaker A: Gratitude for what you do have. If you're able to notice what you do have, wow, it's powerful. And again, I mean, you refer to finding the joy in the process of it.
[00:17:38] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:39] Speaker A: Not the joy in the outcome. And the win. The win is so fleeting.
Okay. I just made a giant amount of money. Wonderful. Some small part of elation. There's a big number sitting in your bank account. How long does that really last? Yeah, yeah, last now. Next. But if I really enjoyed meeting the people to get there, I enjoyed helping folks along the way. I made some wonderful connections that are going to last a lifetime. I have another project that stemmed from it that I can continue to get excited about. Okay, now I'm winning.
[00:18:11] Speaker B: Totally. You're building a spiderweb of connections that ultimately just fulfill and enrich your life.
It's pretty cool. And it's the end. Look, we got a coach talking to a coach. So, you know, we're preaching to each other's choirs.
[00:18:28] Speaker A: But you know, Paul, there's the coach that says I need to win at all costs.
[00:18:33] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:33] Speaker A: And there's a coach that says, that says I'm going to change these students lives. I'm going to make them better people. Win, lose, draw, whatever the learning will occur. Or you can just say, hey, I lost and that sucks. I do think there are different modes of coaches.
[00:18:50] Speaker B: Oh sure. And we're different in different phases of our life. I recently saw a player from way back when and I didn't enjoy my interaction with him at this time.
He didn't possess some of the human qualities that I would have hoped he would have developed along the way.
And I reflected back on the days when he was playing and he was that person.
And I remember thinking to myself, boy, I let him down. I should have stopped the train and helped him see the light. And you know, there was, I'll give you one example. And we go on our gut and we make a lot of mistakes, but sometimes we do the right thing. When I was coaching at West Point, I had a tennis player on my team. He was a really good player from California. He had a very hard time controlling his emotions. So his plebe year, his first year, he was pretty rough to have around and he misbehaved. And I said to him, if that doesn't improve, we're not going to be able to continue going forward together. So he comes back for his second year and we have a fall tournament and he lunges for a wide ball and he lets out an F bomb in front of all of these officers. And I called him into the office and I said, we're done. This. I'm sorry, I just. In this environment, I can't carry that.
I saw him every day for three and a half years on that base and we never exchanged one word.
Ten years later I get a letter in the mail. And because it was before phones and you know, cell phones and computers and it was his first officer evaluation, his first oer and it was perfect. And then at the bottom was a note and it said, coach, if you hadn't thrown me off the team, this never would have happened. You know, but again, sometimes you have to do the hard thing.
So to help them grow.
[00:20:55] Speaker A: Absolutely. And I think as coaches you have to, as you said at the top of the conversation, it's not about you.
[00:21:02] Speaker B: No.
[00:21:03] Speaker A: And is he going to be happy in that interaction? No. Is that discussion going to go well? Probably not.
[00:21:09] Speaker B: No.
[00:21:09] Speaker A: You have to wait 10 years for the validation. So we do give pieces of ourselves as coaches. Having said that, who did you lean on? Because I find in giving of oneself it can be a little bit lonely. But sometimes you're the one that has to take it. Buck stops with you. But as coaches, we need connection and support too. So where did you find that?
[00:21:34] Speaker B: Well, as you say, you know, every day I would empty the tank and go home and I didn't have much left for anybody else at the end of the day. Paid a dear price for that. So did they. Now I'm in a much better place and my children are doing great. I've had some amazing coach mentors along the way, you know, and one of the people I think about immediately is Bobby Balas. Bobby was the coach at Navy when I was at Army. I was a 23 year old coach and he was wonderful to me, maybe because he always beat us and so it was easy for him to be wonderful to us, but no, he was wonderful. And, and then my dear, dear friend Bobby Callahan, who was the coach at Princeton, who I had the incredible honor of speaking at his funeral and he was so giving. I went through a period in my life during the time that I was writing the book where I leaned in on Billie Jean King. If you ever have an opportunity to spend or talk to Billie Jean, do it and make sure you have a pencil and pen. I coached world team tennis and so she essentially was, was my boss. And I remember some of her lessons resonate with me every day.
Our first draft pick for the Hartford Fox Force was Monica Seles. Now Monica Seles at the time was four in the world. And I called Billie Jean and I said, what the hell am I going to tell Monica Seles? I mean, she's forgotten more tennis than I'm ever going to know. And she said a couple of things to remember. One, no matter what level you are, you still want people's approval.
Two, never pretend to be something you're not three.
Become a master observer of body language. Body language will tell you everything you need to know. That is true in the business world, in personal relationships, as a coach, as a teacher. Every day, all you need to do is look, get out of your own head and look. They're hurting. You can tell, you know. And I would go up to Monica in the middle of a match and I'd say, monica, I have observed something.
Would it be okay if I made a suggestion? And sometimes she would say yes, and sometimes she would say no, and that was fine. But never pretending to be something you're not is super important because you'll lose them. You'll lose them before you ever start. The other thing she said, which I joke about, is never let anybody be late to anything. And she said, you know, it's when someone is late to something, what they're telling you is they don't care about you. They all. They care. And so she told the story how they were in Budapest for a Federation cup finals.
And she said, okay, the bus is leaving tomorrow at 9:00. Let's be ready to go at 9:00. The number one player in the world for on the US team is not there.
That bus left without Serena Williams. You know, now, Billy, she can get away with that stuff, but that's an important message. You know, I tell these kids all the time, you know, your boss doesn't want to know why you're late. It's just, where do you want me to send your last check?
Life is not kind. So, yeah, Billie Jean was amazing, and I've since heard her speak. And my gosh, he was incredible. Another person that I drew a lot from, and I've really never had a chance to thank him appropriately, was Mike Krzyszewski. Mike was my neighbor at West Point and he went on to become the coach at Duke and was the Olympic coach of the Dream Team and all of that. And I remember we would have a Diet Coke at the end of the day on occasion. And I said, coach, can I come watch your team practice tomorrow? I'm giving my team the day off. I said, sure.
So I go down to the gym and literally five minutes into practice, he is screaming and yelling, tearing off his jacket, throws everybody out of the building.
So that night I go over and knock on the doors. Is it, is it safe to come in? And he laughs. And I said, God, I have to ask you a question. What set you off today? And he said, what do you mean? I said, well, you were bjorks out of control. He said, no, no, no, no. I scheduled this a couple of weeks ago. I knew I needed to get their attention. Now, I'm not a screamer, so that doesn't work for me. But you need a sledgehammer. My sledgehammer is guilt. I just, you know, if I need to get so. Oh my gosh, I can't believe you don't care about the legacy of this program. You know, and I just, I hit him with guilt and they don't like that. And we can modify some behavior.
[00:26:32] Speaker A: I know. I'm glad you mentioned Bob Callahan in there.
What, what a. What an amazingly inspiring, sweet, passionate guy. If there's somebody who was there to help others, that. That was Bob. When I had the fortune of co chairing the College Squash association with him for three years. Billie Jean King and your connection there. And you would not have to ask me twice to spend a second with that lady. What unreal statement she has made to the world. For women in particular, Incredible.
[00:27:03] Speaker B: And you know, and she created this World Team Tennis and she created a scoring system which is co ed and it's exciting and dramatic. I mean, it's. It's probably a little more theater than it is tennis, but at least that's how it's being used. But you just can't. There are just certain people in this life, you just can't. That's one of them.
[00:27:27] Speaker A: How did you get involved with World Team Tennis? How did that happen?
[00:27:30] Speaker B: Sort of like my podcast experience. I think I was the cheapest person in town. But no, they just, they were looking for someone that had maybe a little cache. I was the coach here at Trinity and, you know, we had held the world Doubles championships in Hartford. So, you know, I'd been in the game for forever and so I think they were looking for someone that would know enough to never feel like anybody in the stands was there to see you. And I knew my place. And then they could promote the squash piece as a way to attract crowds. So it was fun. It was really fun.
[00:28:13] Speaker A: And it is unusual to have the co ed piece and to have men and women on the same team.
[00:28:19] Speaker B: I love it.
[00:28:21] Speaker A: Why, why do we not have more of that? Why. Why are we not seeing more of that?
[00:28:26] Speaker B: Hopefully we will continue to see a change. I could see a world in which pickleball is an NCAA sport. And that would be such a cool opportunity to introduce the mixed component as a way of promoting that this is the way it should be. And you know, in tennis, I'll tell you, as the US coach for 25 years.
We, when we go to the Pan American Games, it's, there's a mixed doubles piece to that and that's really fun. And just to, just to see how that goes. We played against Columbia in the finals one year and Columbia's number one guy was the number one player seed in the Pan American Games. And we started out hitting every ball to the woman, Catalina Palazz. And after about a game we realized we can't hit the ball over there because she's killing us. We have to hit the ball to the best player in the tournament. And so, yeah, I think it's very cool.
[00:29:34] Speaker A: A Trinity player, no less, I believe.
[00:29:37] Speaker B: Yes, Kato was Trinity player.
[00:29:39] Speaker A: Phenomenal. We talked about world team tennis and you've mentioned pickleball, which we both share interest in. And obviously I'm out there playing, but with a squash background, Padel is coming full force as a sport to the forefront.
Where do you see these racket sport wars going?
[00:30:01] Speaker B: Well, I have to say that I believe and this is a person who's earned a live living with tennis and squash for over 50 years, but I think pickle is the ultimate lifetime sport.
And why do I say that? Well, you can take young people and teach them pickle pretty quickly. And if you are a very good rackets person, that game is very fast. It's fun to watch Sam query hitting forehands on a pickle court.
Then we fast forward life happens, families, business, all of that.
And then, oh, I have a little bit of time on my hands. I think I want to get back to doing something and I may not want to run. So I like games. I'm going to go and pick up this game. Well, you can do this. I mean, you go to Florida and there are 70 year olds on every court and it's super cool and they're loving it. It's like religion for them. Padel is a very cool game. I played Padel in Ecuador and it also is a game that you can pick up. You don't need to be tremendously skilled with the racket. The problem is it's expensive to build a court.
And so you're back in that same demographic that we've been in with squash forever.
So it's, it is interesting. I think squash needs to take a hard look at where we are and where we're headed. I mean, we just got the bid. We're going to be in the Olympics in 2028 in LA. But when you go to the traditional clubs, the number of people Playing after college is very low and certainly because of the wear and tear on the body, we don't see a lot of people picking it up later or maybe staying with it longer, particularly when you've got this, these other sports as opportunities. So I think that the leaders of the world of squash need to take a good hard look at maybe the scoring system and how we're doing things so that it becomes more user friendly.
And I think smart people, certainly smarter people than me, will figure that out and it will continue to go.
[00:32:31] Speaker A: I was very curious for your perspective. What I did was I shot out an email and I asked folks to send me some questions that they might like to ask you. So if it's okay with you, I will do a little quick fire and I could throw these questions at you and see where these go. Okay, so this one is from a player on my team actually.
So she would love to learn about what he would say drives a team to become consistently great over time beyond just talent and training. Additionally, how do you manage pressure both personally and within the team?
[00:33:12] Speaker B: Realistic goals. Look, there's nothing more important than practice. Nothing in business and in sport. Every day you need to show up fully engaged. The key for the coach is to find the methodology to get them to find relevance in practice. It's not hard to have somebody excited to play the Wesleyan Tufts squash match on Saturday. You're super focused on that. But how do we get someone to be focused on Wednesday when nobody's watching? And that's where the coaches and the, hopefully the self motivated athletes find a way. I've watched professional athletes my whole life. I go anywhere to watch them practice. When we were coaching world team tennis, we would, after the match there would be an autograph signing period, which meant I had some free time because nobody wanted my autograph.
And then we would all get together and say, okay, the night's over, let's talk about tomorrow. And always the first thing they put on the calendar, what time are we practicing? And they built the day out from there. So practice is the key to sustained excellence. The other thing is love competing.
Just love competing. Want it to be tiebreaker in the last game, look up at the ceiling and say, wow, I love this. This is what I want.
[00:34:45] Speaker A: And.
[00:34:46] Speaker B: But we avoid it. We really do. It's interesting, I always use exercise as the analogy. We can take them down to the second floor and we can put them on treadmills and we can crush them. Their heart rate will be over 200. They'll be sweating bullets. They're oh, man. Screaming at each other, let's go, let's go. We stick them on a squash court, and all of a sudden, in the middle of the first game, they start to feel tired and they panic. But why did we spend that time on the treadmill? That was the whole point of it. And so I think if we can help people find the relevance and practice and coming in fully engaged and look, we're human beings.
We're not 100% of ourselves ever, but certainly not every day. So if you're at 40% of your best self, give 100% of that 40.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: And then what advice would you give when it comes to achieving both victory and personal growth? I guess. I guess that's along the same lines. And I love your drive to love competing.
[00:35:50] Speaker B: Yeah, that's what it is. At whatever level you are, if that's where you are, you know, be where your feet are and then enjoy competing.
[00:36:01] Speaker A: And don't be afraid to lose whenever, like you've mentioned, as our bodies start to, you know, not. Not comply to have the opportunity to compete. I mean, personally, yes, squash is.
Squash has been incredible to me, but. But at my age now, it is harder. So, you know, there are racket sports, and I get other racket sports, and I get a chance to compete, and I get to test myself against somebody and have the privilege of doing that, and the privilege of that person helping me do that, if I see it that way, I can't lose.
[00:36:35] Speaker B: And don't be afraid to lose. Learning occurs only when you lose. You know, I gave a speech the other night, and I told the parents, let your children fail and then teach.
And don't try to teach right after failure. Don't try to teach right after somebody's lost millions of dollars in a stock exchange. Don't wait. Wait till they cool down, then go in and teach. And if you wait until the next day, it's too long. That scabbed over. So the timing of teaching the lesson. But let them fail. Our children are snowflakes. In the name of love. We'll do anything to prevent them from experiencing something negative. Well, you know what? Life is hard, and so we need to develop resilience. And the only way we can be resilient is through failure.
[00:37:39] Speaker A: That beautifully answers the question that I had here from Jamie Schatzman, which was through the drive to succeed is an innate characteristic. How can a parent best support a young athlete? Strive for their personal best, and I think fail first.
[00:37:53] Speaker B: Yeah, just. Just be there. You know, it's funny, I I asked one of the US Team players, and I said, tell me about the rides home.
And she said, I hated the rides home.
Now, the father and the mother may have been doing what they thought was right, but way she internalized, it was miserable.
[00:38:16] Speaker A: Right.
[00:38:17] Speaker B: That's a lost opportunity.
[00:38:18] Speaker A: You're absolutely right. And the joy of competing and the joy of learning. I mean, win some, learn some. It's cheesy, it's overused, but it is true.
[00:38:28] Speaker B: I think. I think there needs to be one more step to that. Win some, learn some, make your adjustments.
[00:38:36] Speaker A: Okay. Yep.
[00:38:38] Speaker B: Because I, you know, otherwise it's too passive.
[00:38:41] Speaker A: Yep.
All right, so here's an interesting question. Can you teach squash through thinking about shot selections and the percentage of success of the shot selections? And this is from a prospective student, actually, ian Achary.
[00:39:02] Speaker B: Yeah, 100%. I think it's all about percentages and your shot. You know, it's. It's a little bit. I don't golf. I've always thought of it as a nice walk ruined. But squash and golf have some similarities. Where you are on the golf course dictates what shot you're going to hit and what club you're going to use. In squash, the club remains the same. The swing will be different, but the club remains the same.
But when you're in the back of the court, you're taking out your driver, and when you're on the red line, you're taking out your wedge and you're chipping that volleyball, and when you're out in front, you're taking out your putter. And generally speaking, that should dictate what you're trying to do because that's the highest percentage. And so, yeah, I think that. And keeping it very simple is really important.
[00:39:58] Speaker A: Sport translates to life so beautifully, as we both know. And as you're saying that, I mean, it makes perfect sense for anything I want to approach, to be honest. Yeah, maybe we'll pick one more here. How do you facilitate a healthy team dynamic when so many of the players on the team are exceptional individual players and players that come from different backgrounds?
[00:40:22] Speaker B: Every day we talk about the importance of team. I don't care. I've never coached the individual. And it's interesting. It may be one of the reasons why we've won so few individual championships. As a matter of fact, in the weeks leading up to the individual championships, I no longer come to practice. That's for them. And that's my symbolism of, hey, guys, this is for you. You go get ready for. I'll Be there. You know, I'll help with the bus and all of that. But team, everything is about team to me. I've never coached this as an individual sport. And the key is learning how, through empathy, to really care about the person next to you. And that's a microcosm of life. You know, you don't have to love your neighbor, but that person's your neighbor. Help them shovel their driveway. You know, just, we're in this together. And that's something that I emphasize every single day.
[00:41:26] Speaker A: Yeah, I love that. It's really not an individual. The dichotomy of it is interesting. Individual sport played as a team. But I appreciate you saying that because I've had the same philosophy. It's. We don't really, we don't compete as individuals. We just don't.
[00:41:40] Speaker B: No.
[00:41:40] Speaker A: And don't you find when we get there, they don't know what to do with themselves.
[00:41:44] Speaker B: Yeah. Oh, no. There's no question.
[00:41:46] Speaker A: Where's my team?
[00:41:47] Speaker B: Warm up?
[00:41:48] Speaker A: I don't. I have to eat by myself because not all the others are done. Where are the rest of the team?
[00:41:54] Speaker B: Yeah, it's true. And that again is that intrinsic motivator. When I come in today, it's funny, I spoke to a company in Boston, Millennium Pharmaceuticals. These were all Harvard and MIT grads and they were there and they, you know, trying to cure cancer and they all sat in their cubbies and I said, you have to care about the person next to you. And they're like, dude, I don't even know the name of the person next to me. And I said, but you need to. Why? Because tomorrow you're going to wake up and you're not going to be feeling it, you're not going to want to go to work. But if you know the person next to you and you know that they've got a, their daughter has a birthday party coming up and they need to be in there, you need to get in there with them. Sometimes it's easier to motivate ourselves when we put someone else's needs first.
[00:42:43] Speaker A: Something bigger than you.
[00:42:45] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:42:46] Speaker A: Wonderful way to take oneself outside of your own brain.
[00:42:50] Speaker B: I think so.
[00:42:54] Speaker A: All right, thank you so much for doing that. Appreciate you entertaining a few questions. I know now that you are very well sought after speaker and have translated these lessons to be able to share with others. How did you make that transition happen and how has that been?
[00:43:10] Speaker B: Well, I was speaking through the Goodman Speakers Bureau and my dear friend Diane Goodman, and she was trying to turn me into a polished public speaker and we were always at crosshairs because, you know, when you look, go to see a public speaker, they're dressed beautifully, and I show up in my sweats because that's who I am. Come on in, coach. And then, you know, she would want me to talk about all of these things. And I believe in the endearing aspect of just showing that you're human and not afraid to laugh at yourself and, you know, tell ironic stories where you made a complete ass of yourself. I do that all the time, and that works for me, and it humanizes me, and people appreciate that. You know, the other weird thing about it, and it's. I don't know where this came from, but the bigger the audience, the calmer I become.
I struggle one on one, but if I can feel the room for some reason, I can tell if I'm losing them or, you know, that's how this all started for me. And now, you know, I speak a couple of times a month to different entities, and they come up after and they thank you for giving them something to think about. You know, even if you touch one, there's a great story that I try to remember.
You know, we want to change the world. We want to touch many people, and I've learned that's a silly goal. And the story is, there's a little girl, and she's walking down the beach, and the sun is coming up, and there are thousands of starfish on the beach, and the sun is going to kill the starfish. And so she's frantically going down the beach and throwing one starfish into the ocean after another.
And there's an elderly gentleman walking down the beach, and he says, what are you doing? And she says, well, I'm trying to save these starfish because the sun is going to kill them. And he looks down the beach where there are thousands of starfish, and he said, it's not going to make a difference. And she reached down for another starfish and threw it in the ocean. And she said, it made a difference for that starfish.
[00:45:33] Speaker A: Beautiful.
[00:45:35] Speaker B: Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.
[00:45:37] Speaker A: Yeah, well, you're doing it admirably and impressively. Keep going. Your message is out there wider than I think you realize.
I hear it from the other end. I hear the. I just heard the Trinity men's squash coach talk. And I have the honor to say he's a friend of mine.
[00:45:55] Speaker B: A good friend. A good friend.
[00:45:57] Speaker A: A great friend and colleague for a lot of years now.
What's next for you?
[00:46:04] Speaker B: Keep going. Keep trying to touch one starfish at a time, keep my perspective. Trying to help raise three little girls. Being there. Trying to be there for my older children.
Trying to keep things in perspective.
You know, I'll rest when it's over. I'm not going to rest now.
[00:46:25] Speaker A: No rest.
You're too good. You're too good.
[00:46:28] Speaker B: No.
[00:46:29] Speaker A: Well, thank you so much for your time.
[00:46:31] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:46:32] Speaker A: I think, you know, your dad would be incredibly impressed. And you do have this gentle den. Mina, thank you. As much as you may not think that to be the case, that is how you present for us. So thank you so much. We appreciate everything.
[00:46:48] Speaker B: Thank you. Thanks, Shona.
[00:46:52] Speaker A: This has been infinite Human with me, Shona Kerr. Until next time, keep challenging yourself and make others better along the way.
